HOW TO DEAL WITH A STUBBED TOE – AN UNHELPFUL GUIDE

The internet is full of helpful articles about dealing with accidents, but what it is not full of, is some unhelpful ones. This one might just make it to the archives.

People by now know how to deal with common life – threatening situations like getting hit by a car,  being chased by a lion or getting stuck in the middle of a desert. It is time to address a tenacious, but less heeded to accident: getting your toe stubbed. It is completely normal if you have never stubbed a toe or two in your life. You just suffer from a small case of hyper – attentiveness while walking.

Here are some things that you should do in case you have stubbed your toe:

• Curse

Cursing is almost instantaneous once you come across such a situation, but try to take it to the next level.

This is one chance to shout everything you want to get out of yourself – how knotty your boss is, how bothersome your neighbors are, how annoying your friends are. This will undoubtedly make you feel better. If this little adventure doesn’t result in some broken friendships, and your neighbors still bank on you for some extra sugar, you’re probably doing it wrong.

•  Spread the word

Science textbooks and enemies might tell you that First Aid is the first thing you should go looking for. Do not pay heed to them. What you should go looking for, is a laptop.

Spread the word to all your Facebook friends about what tragedy has befallen you. And if your last Facebook activity is dated back to one day, your friends are probably worried that you are in some sort of trouble. Clear their apprehensions by telling them that you are indeed in trouble so that they can go about their chores in peace. After all, 1 Like=1 Prayer.

•  Find First Aid.

Now is the correct time to go looking for that First Aid box. If you are bleeding profusely, you would need a cotton swab and one of those burning antiseptics which would want you to die instantly (quite counter productive, though).

Most people don’t have their first aid box in place, the cotton swab being in a different place since the time you used it to take the nail-paint off your now stubbed toe. Don’t worry if your antiseptic is expired. Expired antiseptics are a myth. They burn as vigorously as a freshly manufactured one. Borrow some from your neighbors if you still have good relations with them.

•  Get professional help

If all this toil doesn’t get you relief, then it is about time you seek professional help. If your broken toe is still lying two feet away near the door where you stubbed it, you are probably thinking that you should have completed your Medical doctorate before experimenting with it. Now that you have realized this, you should go to someone who has, in fact, completed his (or her, if you are a feminist) doctorate. Feeding the doctor a couple of crisp currency notes might do the trick. Don’t forget to take your toe along with you.